How many copies of modelland were sold

These are clearly supposed to be Tyra's idea of freakish people who have no chance being modes, judging by the reactions they get throughout the books, but Speaking of Piper, she is easily my favourite character in this mess. I'm amazed she wasn't killed off in 5 minutes. The 4 girls become friends. Though of course, none of them are as freakish-looking as Tookie, because we can't have anyone stealing our heroine's emotastic glory.

And now, finally, we arrive at Modelland. It turns out that our scout is actually - dun dun DUHN! Whatever can she be doing in such a lowly role? Could there be something going on? There's a big opening ceremony, which has Tookie wishing her sister had been chosen as she would have enjoyed the dancing.

ZhenZhen, who is tasked with showing the n00bs around, keeps dropping unhelpful hints about what is to come next. The next event turns out to be Thigh-High Boot Camp by this point in proceedings, you surely can't have been expecting better, can you? This is a series of trials. If you've spotted the obvious then you're smarter than any of the newbie models.

After the makeup has been applied, the girls get to admire themselves They behold hideous visages! I'm gonna have to quote here. It had a boil growing on its nose, letting out a smoke that smelled of rotten eggs and animal droppings. Much of its hair had fallen out in clumps, and many of the hanging strands had fused together into what looked like chunks of petrified wood.

Its eyes were bruised, swollen nearly shut, and its ears were swollen into what looked like bulbs of cauliflower. Her blood was visible, pumping wildly through her face. She resembled a skeleton with muscles and veins, with a thin layer of clear plastic keeping it all together. Her nose had become detached from her face and was sitting on top of the bed of hair. When she screamed, her exposed vocal cords, which lay in a spaghetti-like tangle at her throat, vibrated.

Even Zarpessa and Chaste looked like mutants, their noses falling off and their lips turning into slugs. Some girls are so shocked they immediately run through the door marked 'HOME'. Tookie is initially tempted to go with them Then she suddenly realises it MUST be a trick! She talks the other 3 into trusting in her gut instinct towards the bloody obvious. And guess what? It turns out it was just an illusion!

Bet you didn't see that one coming, huh? Yep, it was a warning not to share makeup. The other girls tell Tookie how super smart she is for figuring this out. She's starting to quite enjoy Thigh-High Boot Camp. But suddenly the items attack! Earrings become heavy weights, necklaces heat up, bags strangle people with the straps!

More girls run through the exit. It turns out the goods are fake! And this is exactly what designers feel like when you buy fake goods! What that was in aid of, I have no idea. But the trials are now over. Useful for tidiness, but very impractical. But I hardly needed to tell you that, did I?

Yes, Tookie is such a loser that she gets a special bed for rejects. Somehow this actually works. The girls go to sleep. This is at least the 2nd time they've been mentioned. I wonder if they'll be important later She then wakes up back in her bed with no idea how she got back. And it'll be the last one they ever get because nobody in Modelland has periods.

While heading to her first class, Tookie encounters a superhot male model from the male academy, Bestosterone. He's called Bravo. He's helping to build a new stadium for Modelland, because that's all the guys do.

He chats to her like she was some kind of normal person or something. How very odd! And one of the items is a bra. Buggered if I know. The girls also attend a pampering session in the OoAh - the Modelland spa. The pampering zone has a special feature where you can pick your environment holodeck-style.

Tookie picks "inside a whipped cream factory! With beach waves crashing outside the window! Here you can bathe, have a makeover, get a massage or a manicure Suddenly, a wild sub-plot appears! We see a group of people gathering for an expedition to gatecrash Modelland. There is also a girl from Tookie's school called Abigail Goode, who is super hairy. And how her mother is hairy too. They even carry "duffels that sported hairy sewn-on patches promoting their pro-hair causes.

Unless you have body hair. C'mon, Tooks. I know he was flirting with you but that is a pretty odd reaction. Tookie's next class is W. This is a debate class, ostensibly so that the Bellas can learn to sell products they are representing in their modelling careers, but really yet another clumsy narrative device so Tyra can drop more information into the story. Because guess what? Catwalk Corridor is full of cats witty! It turns out that this is where wayward models go after being turned in to cats.

One of the cats pisses on Zarpessa's feet when she turns up following Tookie, so I suppose that justifies it. Then the girls leave through an exit at the end of the corridor in the mouth of a talking wall carving which gives the cats a telling off that conveniently lays out the purpose of Catwalk Corridor but still not really explaining how it's a deterrent. They find themselves transported to the hallway of their dorm, with no sign of any cats.

The girls have an emo bonding session where they all reveal their insecurities to each other. Tookie just generally hates herself because Having got this far into the book I can't really fault her for that.

Then when Tookie tells her that she should be proud of her heritage because her people are geniuses, Piper explains that she wants to be seen as unique wait, so you hate looking so out of place in Modelland but want to be seen as unique? But Tyra's efforts to make her an outsider in Modelland bug the hell out of me. But Piper doesn't. If Tyra had wanted another non-standard beauty archetype, why not make Abigail the hairy girl a main character rather than a figure of mockery?

Or just accept that Tookie can have one friend in her clique that isn't an outsider-but-not-as-much-an-outsider-as-T ookie? Piper then takes Tookie to the Fashion Emergency Department Store aka the hospital to get her wounds from Catwalk Corridor stitched up. I'm positive the other girls got scratched as well, but screw them. Ho ho ho! That's not even the weirdest thing about them - their feet are rollerskates. You see, long ago, Modelland took them in. He has some stitches he needs to get taken out.

Bravo takes this pretty well, but their fun is soon interrupted by the return of the doctor to whisk Tookie off to get her lips fixed up. This involves her being put under general anaesthetic, even though I'm sure local would be sufficient. Oh wait. Next page, we see Tyra abandon all pretence at even trying to move the story along in a subtle way. Even by this book's standards this is stretching disbelief. Tookie wonders along peeking in rooms through walls that oh-so-conveniently go opaque when the people in them turn around to look in her direction.

Then she hears shouting coming from one room. Why yes, yes it is! However she doesn't spot Tookie as she is facing the room peeking at what's going on outside. And apparently has no peripheral vision. The person yelling is the BellaDonna herself. Who else would it be? And the person she's yelling at?

I then further got incentive when my friend Kelcey and I decided to challenge ourselves to get through this almost page book. I am so glad this happened. Because reading this book is like this: Oh.

Trust me. This book is bad. So bad it's hilarious. It just kept going. Things just kept happening. And more and more and more ridiculous things kept coming.

And up til the very end, I was completely fucking thrown for a loop. So listen. A bit ago I defined a good book, to me, as one that makes me literally kick and scream because I'm so excited about what's going on, and a bad book as one that I spend time critiquing and feel neutral about what's happening.

Modelland is beyond critiquing. It is so far gone we've gone right back around into kicking and screaming territory because it's so what-the-FUCK am I even looking at!?? I can't tell you how many times I yelled at this book, with this wide-eyed open-mouthed shock, often making what I like to call a 'lizard noise' at the back of my throat because I couldn't even handle it, it's so awesomely bad.

So what's it like? Basically, imagine Tyra at a buffet of stories. This is our book. Before I even continue, I think I need to tell everyone that I was crying laughing out loud last night as I read the acknowledgments and saw that Tyra thanked three different bodies of water, including the Pacific Ocean. No, I'm not joking. But one thing that did satisfy me in a weird way was her thanking the reader, saying 'this isn't mine anymore and you can think what you want.

Reading this book was like, I imagine, taking more acid then you could handle while watching America's Next Top Model. So many colors. So many fashions. So little sense! I would like to warn all of you that enjoying this book, as I did, isn't for everyone.

My favorite kind of humor is unintentional. You mayhaps, instead of lulzing it up, find it painful. I don't see how though. Despite it's length, it's rather easy reading, and I can't say that I ever once felt bored for more than a few pages. I do think it helps to be someone that watches America's Next Top Model though, because if you're more familiar with how dramatically serious Tyra is then it makes so much more sense where it all came from.

No, there was no ghost writer. This is her. Her her her. All the characters act just like her in all her forms. If you know Tyra, you'll see what I mean. Did I mention the main character has a giant forehead that makes her insecure? Just like Tyra?? The good. Were there any redeeming qualities about this book? Despite everything, I do think Tyra has a good imagination.

Aside from the very borrowed plot points from various tales, I did enjoy reading all her descriptions about the fashions and some of the characters. I loved Piper the albino girl. I loved Chaste, who clearly existed for slut-shaming purposes only with her diamond nipple pasties and ass hanging out of her skirt, but I loved her for being the way she was. I loved Gunnero so much, who is clearly modeled after Miss Jay: I found, and still find myself, as a cartoonist, wanting to draw some of these characters.

There were blips of cool imagery that I enjoyed, which is funny, because it's kind of what Tyra knows. Still fashion photographs. Building a story around that imagery however, oops The bad. And I mean the actually bad. I don't think I have to tell you that it was one-star level writing. For example, Dylan is in Tookie's three classes, and we hear about what she does in all three classes. But right before the third class, Dylan asks Tookie what happened in those first two classes, and then describes going to different classes herself.

We were there. We saw her. Tyra also has no concept of time. If you pay attention to the writing, only four months have passed. But she says it's been a whole year by the end of the book. I now think this could possibly be the editors fault, finding out that the original manuscript was pages. It's possible the editor just scrapped half the book and that's where the missing time went. I would also like to mention that Tyra doesn't even give you a second to think about her writing.

She tells you immediately what something means, why they did it, and how to pronounce it no, literally. There is no symbolism in this book. She slaps you with what everything means, and in reiteration, in case you didn't get it the first time you read the sentence. And secondly, the portrayal of gay characters. There are two gay characters, Brian yes, we're counting Brian even though he's only there for two seconds to be sassy and Gunnero.

Both of whom are mean and catty and stereotypical pressed jealous gays. It would have been nice to balance that with a positive gay character at least. I hope that Piper turns out to be a lesbian, tbh, in Modelland II. Who even cares though, Wigs. The awesomely ugly. Do not continue reading my review if you want to have a reading experience like I did. If you want to discover the fuckery for yourself, don't continue.

However, most of you still won't, so here's what's up: Tyra has no sense of what audience she's writing for. You get me? The models are magical. They do magic with their golden belts that everyone wears. There's an entire chapter on periods. And the male teacher discussing periods with them. There's a lot of nudity. There's plenty of self mutilation, including self-flagellation a la monk style.

Modelland is this weird, mysterious place that everyone kind of knows about. Girls go there to become models. And also to have superpowers. It's complicated. In a giant, gossamer ball sack. Our main character is Tookie, who is obviously teenage Tyra. Tookie doesn't think she's going to be selected to go to Modelland, but then she totally is. And when she gets to Modelland, she deals with crazy classes, weird people, her second crush, her first period, magic lightning that turns things transparent, people transformed into cats, and a conspiracy theory that wraps up in the strangest, most bizarre fashion.

You could say it's a book about friends, fashion, and growing up. But it would be more accurate to say this book is about seeing how crazy a thing can be put into print before the ink just refuses to adhere to paper. I did just read a little news piece about a real-life Florida woman named Chrystal Methany. That's a real person's name.

And of course there are famous names like Le-a, supposedly pronounced 'luh-dash-uh. We've got our main character, Tookie de la Creme. We've got her father, Chris de la Creme. We've got Tookie's mom, Creamy de la creme, which is a hilarious name until you find out her full, maiden name: Cremalatta Defacake. There's a Theophilus Lovelaces, a Zarpessa Zarionneaux. There's even a magical black man named Wingtip. Yep, that's a tilde. The wavy dash thing that's near the upper-left of your keyboard.

Usually it appears above another letter, but here, screw it, right in the middle of a name. You might be wondering what the proper pronunciation of this name is. In a slew of crazy things, one of the early events that Chris was once known professionally as Chris-Creme-Crobat because of his great acrobatics.

Sort of like how I'm professionally referred to as Pete-Pasturbate. Chris is doing a high wire thing way up in the air, suspended over the circus ring, which is encircled by swords just to up the tension.

During a crucial part of Chris' performance, Creamy, Tookie's mom and Chris' wife, takes out her makeup mirror to do a little touchup.

She accidentally flashes light right in Chris' eyes, and he falls from whatever the hell it is he's on. The crowd gasps, and just when we think we're going to get a new Robin out of the deal, Chris lands on his back, does some kind of tumbling maneuver, and ends on his feet, perfectly fine.

The crowd goes apeshit. And Chris runs around the ring, bowing like crazy, bowing deep and hard until he bows in the wrong spot and he skewers his eye on one of the aforementioned swords lining the circus ring. But what we get instead is a weird situation where the ultimate idiocy cost a dude his eye. If you lost your eye that way, wouldn't you have to lie? Tell people it was, a bar fight? An industrial accident?

Something less embarrassing like, I don't know, you were a kid and you walked around a corner really fast and your mom's naked, erect nipple poked your eye out? Wouldn't you tell a story like that, one that's a little less humiliating? What coming-of-age story would be complete without a visit from Aunt Flo? Flo Henderson? Flo and the Machine? Flo Nightingale?

When the girls arrive at Modelland, their periods all synch up instantly, and they all find themselves bleeding on day two. Now, Tyra is VERY careful to point out that periods can synch up after women spend significant amounts of time together, but that the magic of Modelland allows for all girls to immediately be on the same schedule.

This is stated twice in a few pages, very clearly, and I think it's so we all know that Tyra knows how periods work. I was reading this, thinking, "Hey, I get it. These girls are becoming women. This is a big moment. And what an interesting idea to juxtapose something far-fetched like Modelland, a place of weird magic, with something very grounding like menstruation.

That works. And then a magic statue comes to life, tells all the girls that, thanks to Modelland magics, they'll never have periods again, but will be able to reproduce.

What's fascinating to me is that Tyra chooses to bring up periods in her own book, and then can't seem to dismiss them fast enough. Some models get superpowers.

Let's just talk about the possible powers. Chameeleone: The power to change what you look like. There's an accent on one of the letters in the word "Chameeleone", but I'm not going to dignify this whole thing with the effort. This is already going to take hours to spell check. Multiplicity: Cloning, basically. And none of the important questions are answered.

Does each clone have a mind of its own, or is it a hive mind, or a single, controlling mind? Does each clone have the equivalent strength of the original, or do they split attributes between them, meaning each time a new clone is made they all get weaker. How do they feel about the Michael Keaton film Multiplicity? ThirtyNever: Age to 29, the revert back to 17, and you do this over and over until you die. I feel like this is a realistic version of the X-Men where some of the powers would seem more like ancient curses or something.

Like a person would ask a genie for this power, but then learn a lesson. I hate when someone in a story learns a lesson. Excite-To-Buy: If you have this power, people around you want to buy stuff. Not necessarily stuff you're selling. People around you just feel the sudden urge to purchase things they were already interested in. Seduksheeon: Dudes want to bang you.

Apparently, if dudes want to bang you, congratulations, you're a superhero in Modelland terms. Then, screw it, we've got another worthless power of knowing what will be in fashion in a few years, and also we've got teleporting. I didn't mention it before, but when Tookie is ensconced in the giant gossamer ball sack and taken to Modelland, she does have to accompany the Modelland scout on a couple other stops to pick up other girls.